Q: Hi, I’m in a bit of a pickle. i don’t know if i should remain friends with this guy (Nick) because I know he has feelings for me. We were seeing each other about a year ago and nothing serious ever came from it. Things got intimate fast between us and it turned into a FWB situation because we’d go weeks without talking, and then end up having sex. This was kind of killing my self-esteem and I didn’t like where things were headed (or weren’t headed) so I said I thought it would be a good idea if we stopped spending time together.
I got back with my ex-boyfriend Josh, but I broke up with Josh about 4 months ago, and recently realized that I had a message in my “other” messages on Facebook (which I didn’t even realize existed) from Nick and it was an apology for how he didn’t take things seriously when we were seeing each other. He keeps bringing up the fact that he wants to date me but “understands” that I need time. I’m just not sure that even if I was ready to date yet I’d necessarily want to date Nick.
What I’m asking is - do you think it’s wrong to remain friends with him? I don’t want to lead him on. I know I’ve definitely changed a lot since the time we were hanging out. I don’t want to lead him on and I feel kind of guilty every time he brings up dating… Do you have any advice on the situation? Sorry that this is extremely long. Thanks for listening.
A: Hello! The answer to your question lies in this sentence of yours: “I’m just not sure that even if I was ready to date yet I’d necessarily want to date Nick.” Sounds to me like you might think there’s someone out there who’s better for you than Nick. And you’re probably right! Take some time to be single and meet people. I’m not sure why we brush people off and then regret it and try to win them back. Either respect the relationship from the start or let it go. None of this remorse stuff. It’s silly and immature. I think you’re too good for him, IMHO ; )
Just be honest and just tell him that you want to remain friends, and you’re sorry that things didn’t work the first time around. Then if he isn’t interested in being friends with you, it might be healthier for you both, anyway. Sometimes guys like to be friends with girls they’re crushed out on, for some masochistic reason, and sometimes they don’t. If he wants to be friends, you can try it out and decide later if it’s the right thing for you. One step at a time! Good luck!
Hey! I'll be seeing my crush soon at a party, there will be alcohol. We've flirted a bit in person but mainly text. I'm pretty sure he likes me so I wanna make out with him, but we both get nervous. I want him to initiate a kiss but I'm not sure how to go about it. And I don't wanna make things awkward since I'll havta see him again lol. Do you have any tips to get him to initiate? Or if he doesn't,, should I just go for it while we're talking?
If your instinct tells you that he wants to make out with you, then I’d say the only trick to get him to kiss you is to just be physically close to him, and give him that ‘come hither’ stare. If he doesn’t get the point, then I’d knock a couple back and give it a whirl! My advice is almost always “go for it” in situations like these, because I really don’t think you have anything to lose. If you’re confident and have a sense of humor about it, even seeing him in the future should be no big deal. It’s like my very first kiss on (or near?) my 16th birthday- I was talking to a guy at a party and he was making fun of me for never having kissed a boy. I was like “I never like anyone, so I’ve never kissed anyone.” (I was kind of like Daria, if you know who that is.) He suddenly started kissing me all willy nilly, and I got into the weirdness of the sensation and the whole situation for a second. But just a second.
The thing about this guy is that he was one of the more popular guys in school, so he didn’t care the next week when we saw each other. His bloated self-confidence made it so he was practically floating through those halls. I don’t remember, but I’m sure he just gave me a ‘popular guy’ smile the next time we bumped into each other. No skin off his back.
One word of caution- make sure you’re not too drunk, because there’s nothing less attractive than a sloppy drunk girl.
I think if you lean in and give him a smooch, he’ll probably be stoked that you made the first move. Good luck!
Hey Nedelle, I saw that you were opening for of Montreal early next year, that is so cool! Any plans to record anything with Kevin Barnes?
Hey! I’m singing a couple of duets with Kevin Barnes this week in SF and LA. Of Montreal is putting together a live album from these shows, so I suppose I’ll be on that a bit. And yea, I’m opening a tour for them in January that goes through the southern U.S. Don’t have any plans to record with him, but man that would be fun. Maybe I can make that happen…Thanks for the idea and thanks for writing! XO
I've known this guy for a year and a half and OMG I can't stop thinking about him! I've always liked him as a friend and quietly admired his humor, talent, and kindness. So initially I didn't find him physically attractive but over the years I started to find him very much so. But when I see him in person I don't feel anything special towards him which is weird. I'm confused... am I crushing on him or is it something else? Thanks :)
Hello! The most important thing to consider in this situation is how you feel when he’s in your presence. If it’s not ‘there’ when HE is there, then I’m sorry to say, we have a problemo. I’ve experienced a similar thing before, but I’ve also been on the opposite end, which is really bizarre. In one relationship I noticed that the person was thinking of me and diggin’ me hard when we were apart, but in-person he seemed irritable and not that into me. It was a real mindfuck. Eventually I learned that he just wasn’t in it to win it. In all honesty, if you’re not stoked about him at every moment- whether he’s there, not there, kind of there, across the room, inside of you, in your dreams, etc. then it’s not worth pursuing. Perhaps you’re crushing on him because there’s no one else currently blowing your mind. It’s a simple distraction. I think your efforts are better spent meeting new people and going out a lot. Keep this guy as a friend and a litmus test for the type of guy you want to eventually find and fall in love with.
ORRRRRRR take this alternate advice: make out with him once and see if your feelings change and/or intensify! Good luck!
A guy I dated for a month cheated on me in front of my face (went all the way too).. And i took him back after about a week. Please halp! I don't know how to feel about it. We no longer are on speaking terms because he had to move across the country shortly after. We had an amazing connection and he was the SWEETEST/MOST CONSIDERATE dude while we were together. So confused.
No matter how sweet and considerate he was at some point, the fact that he cheated on you in front of your face (I can’t even imagine how horrible that was) trumps everything. He’s an ass, plain and simple. I’m not sure what happened between the time he was nice to you and the time of that asinine incident, but somewhere in there, he became an asshole. So forget about the sweet stuff. It’s ancient history. Since you’re not on speaking terms, I think it’s safe to say, in the name of tough love, that it’s way over. He obviously feels it’s over too, so why should you sit around and hang on? You need to please start the process of getting over him. Hang out with your friends right now, and listen to them! I’m sure they agree with me that what he did is totally inexcusable. Not to mention, you’re totally too good to forgive that type of abuse. In situations like these, your powers of pride and self-worth need to be tapped into. As in, get over him as soon as humanly possible because you’re awesome. I know it’s hard, but soon some better person will come along, and you’ll look back and think, “What was I thinking?!” We all look back and think this about certain past jerks. You’re not alone! Good luck, love!
I could not be more relieved and excited to say that my new record ON SUNSET is finally available… It’s been in the works since 2008, and it’s the first release on my own imprint NK WORLD SERVICE. Thank you for listening and hope you like it.
Hey Nedelle, I just started this restaurant job while I'm attending university. I met this really cool guy who is everything I look for in a bf. He doesn't go to my college, but we often hangout after work. I want to ask him on a date, but I'm hesitant because of the 'don't date your coworker thing'. What should I do in this sitch?
I hate to say it, but if you REALLY like this guy, then you should definitely risk your restaurant job. Yes it’s classically taboo to date in the workplace, but come awn, it happens all the time! And service jobs are a lot easier to come by than potential-boyfriends. I really don’t have much more to say about this! I recently witnessed a romantic “snooze you lose” situation, so you know, it does happen. Go ask him about before you fall victim to the unpredictable whims of the universe! Good luck!
Ok so I really like this guy and he says he really likes me too, but there are 3 other girls that like him but he only likes them as best friends and he doesn't want to hurt them. Idk what to do. I really like him and I wish he'd ask me out already, but he doesn't want to hurt them. Advice for me and/or him?
People get hurt in situations like this! It’s a fact of life! If you both like each other, you’re doing nothing wrong. You’re not being dishonest or betraying anyone. You should both follow your hearts and get together! He can just tell his “best friends” in a gentle and direct manner, and boom. No harm done. I mean, are they really his best friends? Who knows, they might be ancient history as soon as you are the new couple on the block! No way to find out but to just go on a date! Hope it happens soon and good luck!
I am a 33 year-old male. I like to meet new people and go on dates. Recently, I came to the realization that I enjoy dating and meeting new people more than I enjoy attempting to “find the one.” I fundamentally don’t believe that there is a “right one” for anybody——in every aspect of our lives, from careers to education to hobbies to where we choose to live, to the friends we make, we’re given latitude to explore and always keep changing.
Yet, in love, we’re told that you should find only one person and stick with that person for many decades. How does that make sense? Why should we not have the same openness and exploratory sense for love as we do for any other aspect of our lives?
It’s not that I get bored. I also never cheat on anyone that I’m seeing (I have strict rules for myself). I have also become close friends with pretty much all of the women I have seen more than 4 or 5 times.
I guess my question is this: is there something wrong with me? Am I just an anomaly in a world where most people want (or *think* they want) only long-term relationships (especially once they’re in their 30s)? Also, I would not describe myself as polyamorous, because that still usually presupposes a “primary” partner, or effectively becomes an “open-relationship.”
A: Hi There! I think now’s a better time than any to question the stale stranglehold that monogamy has on our culture!
I’m totally into the idea of people creating their own relationship paradigms, (there might not be a term for your type, but who cares?) and as long as everyone is forthright with each other, (which is difficult, and more so when sex is involved) then what’s the big deal? Sounds like you are playing by some fair, self-imposed rules, and that’s admirable.
In a way, we are all doing what you’re doing, it’s just that the majority of people are looking for the Wizard of Oz at the end of the dating yellow brick road.
I have to say, just because someone wants to be in a long-term relationship, doesn’t mean that they aren’t open and/or adventurous. This, to me, really illuminates your opinion on long-term monogamy. You think it’s a one-way trip to snoozeville, but let’s be fair- that’s not necessarily the truth of the matter. It’s just not for you!
Your archetypal soul brother might be Giacomo Casanova! His memoirs of amorous adventures filled 12 volumes and over 1000 pages. Wikipedia says he recounts over 120 adventures with women. You’re already at 130! (I jest.)
To answer your question in all honesty, I really don’t think you’re abnormal. I think that you seem really level-headed, and maybe this is one reason why you’re not gaga over falling in love and finding “the one.” Who knows, maybe you will fall hard one day, but maybe you won’t. Maybe more and more people will join you in your lifestyle, since we are seeing a trend of marrying later, having kids later, or not at all, etc.. The state of the world is so desperate right now I wouldn’t be surprised if the traditional family structure broke down. That doesn’t mean love won’t exist!! (That would actually make me very sad.) To me there’s no need to qualify someone’s life. As long as there’s no maliciousness and honesty is the policy, I think we’re all good here : )
Hello! I loved him. He did not love me, at least not romantically. I thought it would end when I got fed up with the lack of commitment (no "relationship," tho we were monogamous), but in the end he got interested in another woman and tried to hide it. How do I stop comparing myself to the new woman? It's so destructive to believe I'm inferior to a stranger! I had a lot of doubts about him and the pain he caused, but all I can feel right now is rejected. Thanks! xo
Hi, sorry to hear that this happened. I think some time and extremely logical thinking can help to heal this wound.
In terms of why we leave each other, there are so many awful reasons, it’s not very fun to delve into it, but the first thing to consider is the CHEMISTRY. This elusive word is thrown around willy nilly to be sure, but it’s a real thing! You said yourself that you had doubts about him! With a solid strength of mind, we could simply write him off as “totally not the right fit.”
But I know it’s not that easy to exorcise hurt feelings. You could also consider: The fact that everyone’s expectations are too high these days. Then there’s the idea of “too muchness” which describes the feeling of having infinite choices.Then there’s the fact that all this is adding up to people being more ‘existentially’ than in the past. Yes, that’s my term. Kierkegaard said that anxiety doesn’t stem from not having what you want, but in fact, the opposite. Having too many choices is causing us to become depressed.
All this is to say, it was never about YOU being inferior to that woman. It was about your chemistry with him. And whatever was going on with his emotional mind. And whatever actions he made or words he said that set off something in you that wasn’t your best self. Still, this is all chemistry. You’re doing just fine. You’re doing your best. But you can’t always rely on people to do the same, and this is sad, but true. Listen to Dr. Suess when he says, “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”
Q: Hey there. So I met this guy in the middle of the summer and we hung out a couple times and we flirted a lot and he kissed me and we ended up making out. That was my first kiss. We texted a little after that but he said he didn’t want to hang out anymore because he wanted a real relationship and I’m not allowed to date, but he also said “maybe we can date when you’re allowed to.” I didn’t see him for the rest of the summer but last week school started. We haven’t talked at all except saying hi when we see each other in class. We have one class together (PE/ health). I really like him still and want to talk more and at least be friends with him but I keep getting super nervous around him even though i never was before. What should I do?
A: The good news is that it seems like he was genuinely interested in you, and stepped off for a real, legitimate reason. I respect him for doing that. And you seem to have a good perspective on it too - you want to be “at least” friends. Fair enough. It sounds like you just have to break through the awkwardness that is between you two right now. Maybe he feels that he can’t break the wall for X Y and Z reasons, so you should just take a crack at it. (Disclaimer: there’s also the possibility that you can’t be friends at this time because you just want to make out when in each other’s presence.)
Now, I don’t have the perfect potion that will take away your nervousness, because I’ve definitely become jelly when talking to certain people. It’s the worst. Sometimes I chock it up to “bad chemistry,” because, for whatever reason, if you don’t have free-flowing, fun conversation, maybe it wasn’t meant to be! Anyway, try and picture yourself as the coolest girl alive. And since you have PE together, you might want to take some deep breaths to slow down your heart rate and calm those butterflies before you approach him! It’s hard enough to talk to a cute boy in Science class, never mind after you’re forced to run a mile, or some other such physical education crime against teenagers.
I think after having a simple conversation, you can be friends and then see what happens in the future! Good luck! Let me know if you have any follow-up questions! Love,
I like this guy that I met at school. I've known him since freshman year. I think he likes me but sometimes he sends mixed messages. But I don't really show him I like him alot. The thing is I think he is getting closer to this new girl in our chem class. She is very friendly person and our teacher assigned them to work together on a project. I'm jealous, what should I do?
Jealousy could be described as the act of picturing someone in the place where you think YOU should be, and if it turns your stomach, yep, you’ve got that crazy feeling. So if this girl is where you think you should be, the only thing to do is oust her! It’ll be a subtle, sultry coup though, nothing obvious and/or aggressive.
It will help to show him that you like him more than you’re letting on now. Acting too cool will only confuse him and lead to God knows what! Eek! You should at least flirt with him a little bit in class, and see if the chemistry between you two makes sparks fly! Sorry, but I had to.
If you want to try a more subtle approach than even light flirting, I recommend being totally awesome. You can be the girl that shines so bright, he gets excited to talk to you, and then you talk and it’s great and it creates a positive feedback loop!
You know that Red Cafe song? “So when I fly you fly we fly together And when I shine you shine we shine forever baby”
Hi Nedelle, are YOU seeing anybody? What is a nice way of asking someone on a date?
I’d say you have to know them before asking them on a date. Otherwise it’s a blind date and we all know those aren’t very fun! If you know the person and you feel a spark, then the asking should come naturally!