I Wanna Be Your Lover
#advice from paradise
Q: About a year ago, my best friend of five years came out to me as gay. He really seemed stressed out about me judging him or thinking lowly of him, in which I assured to him that I would never judge nor hate him for anything, and him being gay would not be the start of that. Then, out of nowhere, I’ve had dreams and thoughts of him that included things that are too sexual to mention and too romantic for my taste. I know I love him, but maybe my love for him had gradually grown into more than just a best friend or brother.
Does this make me gay too? Perhaps I haven’t out rightly accepted myself? I’ve never been with another man before…
We’re both single, but I heard from other friends that he’s supposedly seeing this guy from his Psych class. I slyly brought up the topic of said guy over lunch a month ago, and he brushed it off by telling me he was just a friend, no more no less. BUT THEN. A week after, I saw him lip locking the guy. I didn’t talk to him for a week, until he questioned what was up with me, why I haven’t been answering his calls or texts.
Today, he would call me all the time and want to spend time with me and I would accept. But it would literally hurt. I know I want him, I don’t know if he wants me, I know I’m in love with him, I’m not sure if he loves me more than a friend, I know that if I take the risk of initiating something with him, there would be a chance where he’d turn me down just cause he already found love with the guy who he made out with practically three weeks ago.
And I hate rejection. I was rejected all my life, which makes me take some time to trust others, but I trust him, of course, but then again, there’s that ounce of chance where he’d say no.
A: My first thought is that you should definitely have a serious conversation with him sooner than later. If he really is your best friend, you should tell him about this major thing you’re going through, and I imagine he’ll be very receptive to it. Avoiding him is probably just confusing him, and isn’t productive. The thing I worry about is the one-two punch of telling him 1) You have feelings/attraction towards men 2) HE’S the object of these feelings. Here’s one plan of action you could try: You could first tell him that you’re attracted to men, and see where the conversation naturally leads. Then, if it feels right, you can mention that you’re attracted to him. This way you’ve taken it step by step, and not given away too much too soon. Midway through the conversation you might realize that any further confessions would best be saved for a future conversation…
The thing is, admitting feelings to someone is always a risk. Rejection is the shittiest thing about love! They’ve been writing poems, plays, and books about unrequited love since the dawn of time, right? I can’t tell you that it’s going to work out, but I can tell you that nothing will work out if you don’t take a risk. You have to remember, he is first and foremost your FRIEND, and you shouldn’t feel too rejected if he doesn’t reciprocate your feelings. It’s layers and layers of complicated- beyond a simple rejection story. I’m confident that having a good/long conversation with him will help you move forward with what you’re going through, and it will have positive results. And your friendship seems strong enough to stand this test, which is good. (Though ‘test’ isn’t the right word…) Try to go into the conversation with an open heart, and not have your defenses up. Sometimes people who have been hurt in the past are a little too prepared to be hurt again, and this creates a tense environment for the conversation. If it doesn’t work out with him, please don’t fret- you are learning about yourself, and about your dynamic with him, and all this new knowledge is really great stuff that no one / nothing can take away from you!
Hello, don't you think love is total random, as in the girl I am in love with was at the right time at the right place when we met and afterward there was no good girl in sight to throw her away so we stood and built a solid couple until having a baby that stucked us together ? Thanks
"Love is an illusion created by lawyer types to perpetuate another illusion called marriage to create the reality of divorce and then the illusionary need for divorce lawyers." - Kevin, "St. Elmo’s Fire"
That quote is silly. But to answer your question- of course love is totally random in some ways, based on the idea that there isn’t just one “soulmate” for each person; random in the sense that we might never meet 400 people (or more? who knows!) that we have the potential to fall in love with, in the very city in which we live, let alone every other city and country. And, of course there’s the importance of timing in the equation. At some point, based on so so many factors, we make a choice settle down with one person. (Or we make the choice to not settle down.) And love morphs from infatuation into a different creature, which inevitably rears its boring head. But imagine a world without accountability and responsibility in relationships? Romantic anarchy! We can’t just use people and “throw them away” when someone better comes along. Can we? Society would get all fractured and weird, right? Unless we help raise each other’s kids and live more commune-style? I’m trying to picture what would happen if we Tinder until we’re like, 80. Have some kids here and there, but never raise a family. I think this is a whole other post we don’t have time for right now.
Clearly it’s a desirous thing to some people, the system and structure of marriage and family. To give and receive constant tenderness, nurturing, and support. In my favorite book on love, A Lover’s Discourse, Barthes writes, “Of course there is no happiness of structure; but every structure is habitable… I can perfectly well inhabit what does not make me happy; I can reflect the meaning of the structure I submit to and traverse without displeasure certain of its every day portions… and I can even have a perverse liking for this.. (which makes it, in fact, habitable)…”
The point I’m inching towards, is that, you are showing some disenchantment with your choice of partner, or maybe you’re just having a philosophical moment, but either way, there are so many ways your life could’ve looked at this very moment, and I hope you are finding happiness in some aspects of it… If it is really making you unhappy, and you find yourself in an “uninhabitable structure”, then maybe some changes need to be made! Cuz, YOLO! ; )
#advice from paradise
Playing this show with musician extraordinaire Sam Gendel. It’s gonna be so good!
PLAYING 4 FREE: FEVER & PARTY CHAMBERS SHOW AT LITTLE JOY (ECHO PARK RISING) SUNDAY AUGUST 17 w/ FRESH & ONLYS, NEDELLE TORRISI, DEVON WILLIAMS, BLOODY DEATH SKULL, LA TAKEDOWN, ZERO DESIRE, SUSAN, YA BA! 4PM START TIME
Okay so this is weird but I'm 17 years old and I'm finding myself having feelings for a 13 year old (he looks really old for his age, like 16/17). I've known him for 8 years. I used to help out in his classes at school and he would act really flirty (I wouldn't flirt back obviously). It's not like constant thinking about him but whenever I see him I get butterflies. I'm obviously not going to do anything about it because that's just wrong but I need some advice on how to get over it.
Your ages are definitely at the crux of your dilemma. If you were in your 20s or 30s, a four year difference wouldn’t seem, well..unseemly. But I’m glad we agree that it’s necessary you leave this crush behind, at least for a few years! If it’s really meant to be, you’ll run into him down the line… You’ll barely recognize him at first. And then you’ll strike up a conversation and…
Wake up! Back to present day! REAL LIFE.
Relationships that are taboo are also, for better or worse, exciting. Is there a chance you’re subconsciously trying to stir things up because you’re a bit bored? I know I do that sometimes. And I definitely did that at the end of high school. Hopefully after high school, you’ll start a new chapter, and this crush will quickly become a faint memory.
The other good news is that these butterflies can be felt with someone else! So right now, you’ve got to avoid the boy at all costs and distract yourself by finding a new guy!
Other distraction suggestions: hang out with friends, focus on your hobbies, develop a new hobby (preferably something tedious and time-consuming like putting together 3,000-piece 3D puzzles), get some good grades, read books, play sports, do yoga, and anything else that makes it so you don’t have time to sit around daydreaming about something that doesn’t have the potential to make your life more awesome.
#advice from paradise